depression x 2021

Depression seemed to miss me, so she decided to make a little visit. She’s an old friend of mine, but is abrasive in her methods. As a sensitive soul, everything she says and does feels… deeply personal.

Why would you befriend such a thing? you may ask. Since I was young, Depression has always felt left out if I didn’t invite her to the party. Eventually, I learned that the hatred I was harboring for her only made her clingier, needier. Sometimes I forget she exists, but whenever she misses me, she comes in like a fucking wrecking ball. Demolishing anything and everything in the way to indiscernible fragments. But I don’t want to get rid of her; on the contrary, she’s taught me more about myself more than any of my other (more amicable, pleasant) friends. I befriend her because I love her deeply and the polite thing she is, she always leaves me a package when she leaves. I've come to look forward to her (not so) little gifts.

My birthday this year, the height of my 2021 Depression

Starting 2022 the best and most rested I've felt in a long, long time.

Each and every time, these packages feel like they’ve been waiting to be acquainted with me... the whole time. Though she is destructive by nature, it’s not me she wants to destroy—but sometimes, I forget this, losing myself in all of her volatility. In the end, I always find my way back to myself and Depression belatedly realizes she overstepped. She backs off, and uses these packages as peace offerings. The effect is pretty severe, you see; I drown in the midst of her hurricane-like entry sometimes, and some days I can't breathe. She likes to make up for this by ensuring that these packages she leaves unravel a new layer of truth about myself.

2021 was the first time that I recognized myself after a long time. Thankfully, it was a familiar feeling. Stepping into myself felt a lot like when you meet a really good friend after years and although you have both changed and grown, you two have not. There are few things more beautiful than the deep sigh of bodily relief when you spend a few minutes in your own head, and almost immediately recognize your own reflection. Rather than having to machete your way through the thick unknown, having a clear view and recognition of where exactly you are.

Of course, I never stay in this place, but I don’t think we were ever meant to stay in one place for the rest of our lives. I am human, I am dynamic, I am redeemed, I am ever-growing, ever-changing, and always the same.

This year, I have learned how to take things less personally (still working on it… some of us were born thinking the entire world has a personal vendetta against us), quieting my mind, and becoming friends with the parts of me I have so desperately wanted to tear out of me. In place of self-destruction, Depression left me packages full of the Truest Vulnerability and Fullest Love.

Finding peace within myself by existing as I am, who my Creator has so deliberately, perfectly crafted me to be. The way to honor this God I believe in is not by attempting to become a more perfect version of what I’m expected to be, but becoming the most closely aligned to who I know myself to be. Because love always wins and loving myself as I am is as divine as it gets.

xo,

Karis

If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. (800-273-8255)