Finding Worth

Where do you find your worth?

Everybody has a different idea of self-esteem, accomplishment, and worth. As someone who consistently struggles with depression, anxiety, and overall stress as someone trying to make it in life, these three are usually working against each other.

I consider myself to be a goal-oriented person with insufficient motivation. I often cower in the prospect of hardship because of my already low self-esteem. The reason that I am afraid of struggle is not because I am lazy necessarily, but because I don’t believe that I would be able to overcome and succeed.

It is no secret that I am too hard on myself. Sometimes a good thing, as this allows me to progress in my fitness or academic goals. Mostly a bad thing, because I often set goals that are improbable and hate myself when I don’t match these ridiculous standards. At its worst, I lose my smile for months. I isolate myself in pursuit of “alone time” that is ultimately more detrimental than helpful.

But, I am learning. I’m learning that it’s okay to take a day off studying to drive to Michigan just to see some pretty flowers and get donuts with lovely people.

I’m learning that life isn’t meant for solitude. Our communities are what help draw us out of our depressive periods. We are an average of the people we surround ourselves with; not the number of things we achieve.

This summer has brought a series of mental and emotional challenges, as I am hundreds to thousands of miles away from any of my close friends. Though I did not choose to be alone, this period of aloneness has also proved to me that my worth does not lie in the opinions of my peers either. People will come and go, and though our communities make up a significant portion of who we are, our worth does not come from this either.

I have wasted so much time & mental energy uselessly wondering why I was not getting certain comments on my Instagram. If people will like the photo I just posted. Whether I will be living up to my constructed identity as a “fit” girl, or if my picture is “aesthetic” enough. I was stuck in the toxic cycle of striving for meaningless comments from people whom I hardly knew.

(A tangent, but I just want to take a moment to discuss toxic Instagram behavior. We tell men to stop commodifying women, but it’s time we tell that to women too. Stop commenting things like “OMG BOD” or “i want ur body”. You may be further encouraging an eating disorder either from the poster or from people reading the comments. Let’s build each other up on the things that matter. More on this later, though.)

A lesson that I know but have not quite understood yet, is that my worth does not lie in my successes and failures. I am not what I have done, or what I will do. I am not the people I have impressed or made laugh. My worth lies in the hands of my precious Savior.

Yes, I want to be someone likable. I want to be successful. I want to be smart and hard-working. I want to have a good relationship. However, I want to stop living like my life depends on it. I want to stop living like it determines how worthy I am.

We easily value the items that we buy based off the money or sentimental value, but we as people often struggle to apply this concept to ourselves. You are worth so much more than superficial comments from people you don’t know; the number of likes on your photo; a job that does not value you as a worker; etc. It’s time to start treating yourself that way. 

You are worthy of a healthy life, unconditional love, happiness, and infinitely more. But, most importantly, you are worthy of God’s larger than life love for us. No matter who you are and what you have done. I hope you remember that.

xo,

Karis