Rainbows Are Overrated: My Anxiety Abroad

First solo trip to Cologne, Germany was my first major eye-opener. The first rainbow that has emerged after a big storm: needing to leave the country in order to obtain my Visa. A trip that I did not want to make while I was still struggling to settle in ended up being exactly what I needed.

Usually, I wait until a situation or hardship has passed for me to write about it. Not because I think I will never have to experience the same hardship again, or that since I have gone through something that I suddenly know all about how to tackle the situation. Truthfully, it’s because it is so much easier to write when I’m past the point of suffering. Moving past a painful situation allows me to see why going through it was significant to me, and what I got from it.

Which is why I am deciding to write about my immense anxiety while abroad—something I am currently suffering through. Writing isn’t always about finding the silver lining, or showing the world how wonderful the rainbow is after the rain. For once, I want to write about the storm that I am battling, pre-rainbow.

The first week at a new place is never easy. I’m feeling even more lonely and anxious than usual however, because the first week happens to fall on my birthday. I was doing alright up to this point, but with the reminder of my 21st lap around the sun, I am missing home a little too much. I feel disappointed that I won’t be surrounded by the people whom I cherish the most.

I would love to sugarcoat this and come off as less selfish, but for the sake of transparency, I’m just going to lay it all out, so thank you in advance for reading my whiny writing :).

Writing this post feels against my nature, because I am not one to make a big deal about myself or my birthday, but I suppose I’ve been conditioned to think that the 21st birthday is like, the second most anticipated birthday (first being 16th, I would think?).

It’s been difficult. It’s not like I could not foresee that life abroad would be difficult when I first decided to go, but it has been so much worse than I could have fathomed. Visa struggles, losing my driver’s license, the subtle coldness of British people compared to the sociable and talkative people of America, having white men yell ni-hao at me on multiple occasions, almost not being able to move in to my dorm, and even something as simple as not having anyone to just help me carry my luggage.

I didn’t feel equipped to be going through this experience on my own. I would be lying if I didn’t think to myself multiple times: why am I even here?

I miss home. I miss my friends at school. I miss hitting someone up to eat at the dining halls. I miss the comfort of knowing all the bus lines and bus stops. I miss not having to wake up at 6am just to get a couple of minutes to talk to my boyfriend before he goes to sleep. I miss playing soccer with my best friends.

I miss Portland. I miss the radically different cultural viewpoint of women’s soccer. I miss my weekly walks past Providence Park. I miss working. I miss the amazing food. I miss the delightful PNW summer weather. I miss the awfully chipper customer service people.

This is one of those situations where I know that I will grow immensely in this experience and that in God’s timing, it will all work out okay. I know. But, truthfully, that does not make the pain hurt any less. My confidence in the future and hope for something better does not hide the difficulty of now.

As I go through all of this, I am unlearning what I have instilled in myself, and learning how to adapt. I’m learning to be courageous and reach out to people even though I am terrified of rejection. I’m starting to delight in the little victories, like getting to have a glass of wine at the end of the night. I’m learning how to be a better friend and reach out to people I miss, because I am so awful at responding (see below).

If you’re fighting through uncharted territory as well, let’s fight together. I am praying for you, and with each sunrise, I know God will give you and I the strength we need for that day. I’m rooting for you.

xo,

Karis