Working Hard in a World That Tells You That You Will Never Be Enough

As an Asian American woman growing up in an inadvertently racist and sexist community (sometimes incredibly vertent, a word I learned on The Bold Type), I feel like I know a little something about working a little harder than others. Particularly, in this era of “Trump America”.

Not every authority figure will view me in the same way as my Caucasian and/or male counterparts, and not every authority figure will be great at hiding this. Being an intersectional minority in America, I often feel as if I am starting a step or two lower than others.

As if I need to shout a little louder to be heard from my underground hole just to even be heard.

I’ve had plenty of experiences that that made me feel as if life was a little less worth living in my shoes. That if I conformed more to Western norms, if I were born white, or at least a male, things would be just a little easier.

I believed until very recently that not many people could outwork me in my “grit”. Me, the daughter of two immigrants– my dad, who always had to work after hours and did part-time school on top of that, and my mom, who had to take me to all of my extracurriculars even though she couldn’t converse well with the other parents.

I've had to overcome discrimination throughout my entire adolescent life. I got rejected from a team in select soccer tryouts when I was younger because I was too small. I continued to receive rejection in soccer despite continuously proving myself and my skills over and over and over. I was never naturally skinny and hated how I needed to eat right and exercise and still be bigger than the other girls. I was considered dumb for not being a stereotypical Asian STEM whiz, but finding my comfort with language arts instead. All of these burning memories taught me how to work harder than anyone else, I thought.

Key word: thought.

A lot of times, these things I mentioned made my life feel like a living hell. I didn’t have many friends who genuinely cared about me growing up. I was taught, however, to take a deep breath and keep working through it. It is true, that minorities need to work a little harder to even be looked at through the same lens that others are viewed through. To keep working, to keep hustling, especially when it hurts to. But, all this time, I was striving for the bare minimum.

I’m currently reading Carli Lloyd’s When Nobody Was Watching. Carli Lloyd is a 2x World Cup Champion, 2x Olympic Gold Medalist, 2x FIFA World Player of the Year, and an absolute Role Model. As I read on, I realize that I never worked harder than I absolutely needed to. This is not to discount the hard work that I have put into myself all this time, but that is simply the byproduct of me climbing out of the constraints of my intersectional identity. Carli and I shared a couple of similar experiences, being cut from a select team at a young age, and the following feeling of absolute failure and heartbreak.

An honest photo that showcases my passion and work for the game in fourth grade all in my facial expression. The start of my competitive soccer career, I have probably never been happier or more excited to play than at this stage in my life. This was the first team I joined after my initial rejection. This is when I fell in love with the sport.

Being told later in our careers that we just weren’t good enough from coaches who didn’t believe in us, though we knew that we were more talented than some of the others out there.

Senior year soccer. This is an incredibly deceiving photo; I look confident on the ball as I beat a defender, but this was probably one of the steepest holes in my soccer life. I was playing under a coach who did not believe in me; I went from an incredible and supportive club team, into a toxic high school environment and had difficulty adjusting. The little girl who fell in love with the sport was lost here.

I let this anger fuel itself into a fire against these people, sulking when things didn’t work out and stubbornly believing that I was good enough. Believing that I was the only one working hard. It was not bad to continue believing in my abilities, but it didn’t get me anywhere but more angry. But the truth was, I was not the only person working hard. I just needed a scapegoat to place my failures on. I never learned how to take this anger to help me work even harder. I only wanted to blame other people, and be upset about what I could not change.

Carli let this anger fuel her to get better; she was not naturally fit. She had to work a lot harder than others to even get to what came to others naturally. But she did not stop there. She worked to be stronger and faster than the others, doing more than what was needed for her to be on a level playing field. She worked to be at the top of the hill, when most people were comfortably in the middle. She didn’t work to just clear the two mile run at tryouts. She did 90 minute runs and uphill sprints almost immediately after successful tournaments because she knew there was still work to be done. She “emptied the tank in training so the tank is never empty in games.”

I am proud of what I have accomplished in my challenges; I went from being dead last in our sprints freshman year, to being one of the top 3 finishers my senior year in our conditioning sessions. I aced my math classes, studying hours more than others normally needed to just to get a grasp of the content. I earned all A’s my entire college career in an esteemed university, even though I went all of high school calling myself dumb, and hearing others tell me this too. But for some reason, these accomplishments were never absolutely fulfilling to me because of where I still saw myself, and where others said I was.

But, I need to learn that sometimes you will work harder than others and this will be ignored. People will continue to discriminate against you. People will continue seeing you at the bottom of the hill when you cleared the entire hill 3, 4, maybe 5 times. But the key is to keep working until they absolutely cannot ignore you.

Do not get stuck in the hole that others have pushed you into. Do not be scared of the darkness in this space. Use it to learn how to climb out better than anyone else. Don’t just clear the same space that everybody else does. Do more. Go into unprecedented territory to truly transcend your prison. You can climb to the top, but you can’t get out until you take the absolute last bits of strength to hoist yourself over.

I have realized that all this time, I was simply working to get to where others were, maybe even getting to the point where I was executing better than others were. But the truth is, I was never satisfied with myself and where I got because I was working to get on the same level. I was never emptying my tank. I believe that when we empty our tanks on what we find worthy of our energy, we will be satisfied with where we are.

My parents did not uproot their entire lives for me to cast myself in a constant state of self-proclaimed failure. My sisters did not undergo adversity and discrimination before me, for me to tell them that it’s not possible to overcome these things. Yes, I know how to work hard, but that is not the end of the path. I am just getting started. It will take me a whole lot of prayer, complete faith, and maybe sometimes stretching myself a bit too thin just to get beyond where I think I can be. But, people often place caps on their abilities much too soon. We can achieve so much more than we allow ourselves to think.

I wish I had known this eight years ago, when I refused to sign up for advanced math classes because I got B’s on tests I studied hours for, while some of my peers passed without looking at the study guide.

I wish I had known this, when I was told that I wasn’t a good enough player by my high school soccer coach countless times.

I wish I had known this when my 9th grade history teacher told me I wasn’t good at critical thinking and should rethink my courses.

Instead of taking others’ words to determine where I should cap my abilities, I wish I had placed my cap miles past these points. I stayed complacent in where others told me to be, instead of going further. It was not about about proving these people wrong, but going until I can’t.

I absolutely believe that life would be easier if I had some more privileges handed to me. BUT, I want to stop using this as an excuse for my disappointments and any unfavorable results that fall on me. These challenges are what can help me be the absolute best, and I am grateful that I get to utilize these challenges to understand the grind.

xo,

Karis