Grief for Something I Haven't Yet Experienced & Everything That I Did

The last time I spoke extensively about my time abroad, it was on a pretty negative note. Eight months later, a radically different person stands (virtually) before you all. As someone who always advocates for positive mental health practices, I have done an absolutely brilliant job of suppressing my grief over the loss of Life As We Knew It.

A photo that so deeply evokes nostalgia, grief, and joy all at the same time. All the love x

Like most people, I felt like this pandemic hit at the most inconvenient time. The Monday of the Week That Everything Changed, I was planning a night out with my teammates for the next Monday.

We were just a week away from classes beginning again after a month of strikes. Two weeks away from Easter Break, when I was supposed to visit my friend's home in Norway. A month away from the highly-anticipated 'football tour' trip-- something, dare I say it, I may have extended my entire stay for (not really, but it definitely made me excited that I was staying for a few more months;)).

Thursday of that same week, I got an email requiring my immediate departure from England due to the rising severity of the Covid-19 situation. Originally planning to book my ticket for the next Thursday, the announcement of Trump's travel ban just two days later expedited the entire process by several days.

Unknowingly spent one of my last nights with amazing company in a spur of spontaneous decisions: piercings, expensive bars, and karaoke. I booked my ticket back to America once I got home, accompanied by lots of crying and comfort food.

Over the span of 4 chaotic days, I went from planning for several trips around the UK and the rest of Europe with some of the best friends I have ever met, to booking the next flight home to be in isolation with the same three people for an indefinite length of time.

And do not get me wrong, I am so infinitely thankful for the health of my entire family and pretty much everybody who I know personally, but GEEZ, seriously?! I often find myself in utter disbelief of living in a time where a million and one precautions are needed to safely go grocery shopping while there are crowds of people protesting the government shelter-in-place orders at the same time, because apparently the death of hundreds of thousands of people is 'just a bad flu season.'

While I have happily settled into today's definition of normal, there is an ever-present ghost of memories had and to be had haunting my everyday headspace. I kind of wish there was some beautiful word that nobody knows which encompasses the feeling of grief over something that you never had. Because that word pretty much belongs to 2020.

In many ways, grieving the loss of possibility is a lot more difficult than grieving the results of reality. At least when something happens and it sucks, there's no space to wonder about what could have been. In my personal experience, even when I grieve the loss of those I love, it hurts more not getting to live out future memories with them, while it is the memories of what already was that brings me comfort.

For high school seniors missing their senior prom-- sure, it was probably going to be a night ensued with drama and shattered expectations, but not getting the choice to experience that on your own can just feel so unfair. To all those who will not be getting a prom, graduation ceremony, a full semester abroad, an internship experience, that dream vacation, etc... I feel you. I understand you. Your grief is not irrational. It's okay to be sad while also remembering to be thankful.

What is keeping me sane through an increasingly crazy time is the pure knowledge that I am not in this alone. I honestly didn't even realize that under all the productivity, Zoom happy hours, and Netflix binges, I was sad. It's not the overwhelming kind of sadness that inhibits your daily routine and makes it difficult to get out of bed, though some may very well be experiencing that right now. For me, it was more of a small dose of sadness which could almost go unnoticed, but definitely existed.

The thing that unblinded me to my inner sadness while simultaneously cheering me up immediately was John Krasinski's Some Good News segment that I randomly saw on a Snapchat news story. As I sat in bed both smiling and crying, I allowed myself to feel and acknowledge my grief for the life that was and excitement for the life that is (full of hope, love, and kindness).

I hope that amidst the air of constant negativity, my words sufficed as a big warm virtual hug, and at the very least, I was able to introduce you to the heartwarming wholesomeness that is John Krasinski.

Stay safe, stay healthy. I miss you all so much and can't wait until I get to see you again.

xo,

Karis

'Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.'

Matthew 6:34